Sun in an empty room.

I sit in the same room where the sun hits my skin soft and still. I'm well aware of where I am, what the weather is typically like and how it actually is. It's a relieving cool wind, although the comforts of home make me feel warm inside. An old box stashed in my trunk reveals photos I was not ready to come across from a day I'm still trying to deal with, almost four years after the fact. It brings to mind a day where every year I fall safely into my net of friends, wrapped in a blanket of love. And I remember that day last year, how you of all people completely abandoned me and then held me at fault for it, and how fucking ridiculous that is now and how angry I am for it still. I didn't want to be reminded of this or how horrible that made me feel, and how utterly unacceptable it is to treat any human being that way, but after I dealt with all the sadness I was brought to realizing how cold and cruel of you that was, and why now it is entirely too late for us. There are just some things I will never be able to forgive. Sometimes it's better to just hold onto your hate.

Sleep all summer. Oh wait, it's over.

We take our empty hearts and fill them up with broken things
To hang on humming wire like cheap lamps down a dead end street
Close your weary eyes until the wintertime
And every time we turn away it hits me like a tidal wave
I would change for you but, babe, that doesn't mean I'm gonna be a better man
Give the ocean what I took from you so one day you could find it in the sand
And hold it in your hands again

Cold ways kill cool lovers
Strange ways we used each other
Why won't you fall back in love with me?
There ain't no way we're gonna find another
The way we sleep all summer
So why won't you fall back in love with me?

Trying to find a balance.

Life generally doesn't give you an equilibrium all at once. Generally it's up or down. Currently I'm half up & half down. Work is going well, my friends are back in balance, and I'm excited for the potential in my career path to follow. To say the least about my personal life-well, it all comes back around in the end. Everyone has to lay in the bed they make.
At any rate, this is the only thing that makes sense to me right now.

I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not.

came together so hard
we broke both our hearts
now i'm whistling dixie,
spittin' teeth
i can't shed this skin she's underneath
i was thinkin' to myself
it was always you
got to burn back the weeds
so i burn back the weeds and cry
she says 'why'i'm just not a very nice guy
can't seem to say good-bye
god knows i try

(love that girl like she was mine ...)

beer tastes like blood, and my mouth is numb.

And I can't make, the words I need to say.

I'm thankful for my web of friends, because this is certainly not an easy thing for me to do or any easy transition for me to make. Still, I've realized they were all right, and now I believe what they knew all along- what is truly best for me. I can't tell if everything is coming together or falling apart. Maybe it's just finally falling into place, like it should have all along.

I was blind - didn't see
What was here in me
I was lost - insecure
I felt like the road was way too long
Cause love is noise, love is pain.

Will those feet in modern times
Forgive me all my sins
Love is noise
Come on
-The Verve, "Love is Noise"

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